The Joke

Prince Charles was being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!Aboon them
a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:Weel are ye wordy o' a
grace as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,And some wad eat that want it,But we hae meat and
we can eat,And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,O what a panic's in thy breastie!Thou need
na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle.I wad be laith to run
and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," Prince Charles mutters to the scottish physician, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

Children of the corn help higher education

 

Scintilate

I have outlived
my youthfullness
so the quiet life for me

where once
iused to
scintilate

now I sin till ten
past three.

Roger McGough

Saying what you think

Those who know us well, would be aware that the Smootherpincessis seven months pregnant.

Today she had a client who came in and told her that she had, and I quote...

"A beautiful accent, a pretty face, its just a pitty about the tummy." She was unaware of course of the reason for this, but wow... It caused much laughter in the Narraway household.

Anaesthetists Hymn.....enjoy

major decisions

In my house, I make all the major decisions, and my wife makes the minor ones. For example, I decide such things as East-West trade, crime, welfare cheating, and tax increases.
My wife decides the minor things such as which house to buy, what kind of car we drive, how much money to spend, how to raise the children, etc.

Mohatama Gandhi

Mahatama Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He aslo ate a very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, (oh man, this is so bad, its good...) a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

an oldie but a goodie, with thanks to Pablo

Zen truths

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's ne wspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them .

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is no spoon

This week the phrase "There is not spoon" took on a whole new meaning in the Narraway household. Luckily the icecream was hard enough to be eaten with a fork. :-)

Thanks to Heather for this one

If you can start the day without a cigarette,
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
-Author unknown

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when asmall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish searchand rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or myDad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

Paris Robbery gone bad, with thanks to Andrew

Did you hear about the thief in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and
out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Ford
Econoline ran out of fuel .

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make
the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that. Merci.

Have a blessed Australia Day everyone

Believe it or not, but we have Rob to thank for the following contribution:

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he> could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

New SA Language
Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South Africa is impractical.
A new language was thus introduced. This is the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds.

Here are some extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican lungwich:
Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom
Beds - mossies, doves, etc
Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg
Ben - to set alight
Chealdren - our future is in their hands
Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays
Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them
Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle
Debben - city in KZN
Deekshunry - where you find weds
Detty - opposite of clean
Die'llas - as in drug die'llas or wee-pon die'llas
Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi
Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off
Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors
Effrican - from the continent of Africa
Erriors - districts, e.g. ebbon erriors
Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair
Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American
Fest - the one before second and third
Fok - used with nifes
Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle
Fumma - he owns the fum
Guddin - where you grow kebbijees
Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take
Get - a hinged device in a fence
Hair - as opposed to heem
Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Hubba - where sheeps dock
Itch - as in itch and avairy pesson
Jems - little bugs that give you the flu
Kah - what you drive around in
Kennel - ummy officer
Kebbijees - vegetable
Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there
Kettegry - in a system of classification
Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper
Kleenix - where nesses weck
Kot - where the judges sit
Len - to acquire knowledge
Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, the president
Lungwich - weds what are spokkin
Mick - those that will inherit the eth
Miening - what is the miening of this attack?
Nesses - they weck in kleenix and hospitals
Pee pull - powa to da pee pull
Peppa - one way to get the news
Pesson - one of pee pull
Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal
Pees - symbolised by white dove
Pees-Tox - between IRA and John Major
Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange
Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands
Rent - N/A - word obsolete
Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic
Sheep - big boat
Shex - houses in squatter camps
Ship - provider of wool
Shit of Peppa - something to write on
Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin
Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweamas
Spitch - what politicians make at a relly
Suth - opposite of North
Sweamas - compete in a sweaming pul
Teps - solvent to thin enamel paint
Teck - see geave
Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi
Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola
Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day
Tipic ally - characteristic
Tocks - negotiations
Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica
Ummy - military force
Wee men - ladies
We pon - a gun
Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through
Weaned - Gone with the Weaned
Weaner - the one with the most votes
Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull
Weds - what the dictionary is made up of
Wekkas - do the weck
Weld - the eth
Wems - small crawly creatures
Weth - she is weth her weight in gold.